Sta.sh
Rain; make it fall, make it pour; make it crash down from the heavens. Call down the fury of the storms and remain in the eye of the tempest as it escalates around thee. A beautiful chaos envelops thee as thou spin, spin and spin. The world means nothing no more; it's all drenched in this living insanity. Alas, this is no evil thou hast conjured. Thy purity has brought this clarity, and the rest shall observe and understand. Thy storms are thine beauty and thy chaos is thine calm. Forget this world, for we shall spin forever and ever more!
Take my hand as we head for the ocean! We dance on the waves, we conquer the storms, and we spin through night and day alike! I touch the water, thou reach for the sky, as we spin, spin and spin. I freeze in the water and thy hand slips from mine as thou ascend into the sky, spinning, spinning and spinning. We break apart and I sink to the bottom of the sea, as thou climb higher and higher, forever spinning. I close my eyes at the prospect on thine freedom and laugh – wordlessly – as thou spinst, spinst, and spinst. A cold trickle runs down my throat and my vision darkens; thou art once again alone.
But thou shall not stop spinning! No, no, no; thou must spin! Spin until the dawn comes and spin until judgement day. Spin until the world no longer is. Spin until they can see thy true being. Spin away from these barriers and pens. Spin for thy freedom, thy will, and thy self. Dance in the rain and unleash thy spirit! Let them see thee spin, spin and spin! Never forget what this world is; it is naught. It is but a prison; a wasted life. Never live by their rules. Never fall into their lines. Never forget thy self and thy freedom. For they art thee, and that is what I have come to love.
Spin, spin and spin, for storm lives on.
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Prettyflour here on behalf of
I want to start by saying that I like this little tale you’ve created. In the first paragraph, there is a sense of chaos in the beginning with your use of crashing, fury and tempests. Then you describe the chaos as beautiful and it spins the feel of the entire poem (pun inteneded).
One thing that did bother me though was this line: The world means nothing no more
I feel like anymore would have worked better than no more.
The second stanza feels lighter- the dancing, the conquering of storms- it gave a triumphant feel, and, of course, the spinning! The emotion shift at the end of the stanza with this line: A cold trickle runs down my throat and my vision darkens; thou art once again alone. A nice way to give the reader all kinds of emotions while reading!
And last but certainly not least, the third stanza. You’ve used ‘spin’ quite a bit in this one- almost to the point of using it too much. I wonder… Is that intentional? But I do adore the message brought out in this stanza. These lines especially: Never forget thy self and thy freedom. For they art thee, and that is what I have come to love.
And that last line? Brilliant!
Wonderful job! I hope this is helpful and if you’d like to discuss, please feel free to reply!
I was thinking... Is the message clear? I don't know if it got all shrouded in the chaos, but since the chaos is a part of it, I still need it.
What do you think?
Thank you for reading!
This was a very interesting read for me, and you had an exceptional use of power words throughout the piece, which helped form this into a moving read. The only thing I find here that I think can be critiqued is your structure, I am not entirely sure what you were going for... you've written the poem almost like a story... into Paragraphs instead of Stanzas. Which almost turns this piece into "Prosetry."
Thats not a bad thing however, just a bit odd. Also, you mix Shakespearean English with Modern English... and that kind of messes with the flow a bit... it's as if you can't decide to be modern or Shakespearean.
As a whole however, solid piece, and still well written. 4/5
I tried something new with the old English. It was risky, and unavoidably made it a bit messy, but I like the touch, personally.
As for the story-like structure, I am actually not quite sure why I did it. It all came in a whim, the same goes for the Shakespeare English. I had a moment of inspiration and could hardly stop when I had started.
Thank you very, very much for taking your time and giving me some feedback. It feels incredible to know that someone is reading my humble work!
First off, I enjoyed the insanity and craziness of your poem, but I have to say the inclusion of archaic terms, especially "thou" has dampened the poem's meaning for me. It's not bad to use archaic language, but it is a bit tricky and, if used incorrectly, take away from the true meaning of what you are trying to convey.
I'll try to explain a bit here...
Poets of the old days were able to use the language flawlessly (well, the good poets anyway), because that was the language they spoke. Since we don't speak that way now, we sometimes mix (incorrectly) modern-day language in with the archaic language.
Case in point: What first threw me off was in the third sentence, "as thou spin, spin and spin."
An ordinary person might think this is okay, but an olden day writer would've corrected it, "as thou spinst, spinst, and spinst," or something of that nature. Also, in the fifth sentence, "thee have" would have been "thou hast."
I believe the value of this poem would increase if you either fix it to be completely of archaic language (which can be very difficult), or switch your pronouns to modern English. Rewriting will also give you a better sense of how to translate between archaic and modern. Try the second option on a copy of your poem; you might be surprised at the results.
You've got a great story to tell here, so don't let the language hold you back!
I apologize that most of this was constructive criticism, but don't let it discourage you.
You improve every time you write something!
Thank you for receiving this critique, and I hope it helps.
Well... I am very new to the archaic language (I didn't even know that's what it's called...) but somewhat, it felt right to write it like this. Inevitably, the mistakes were many and I am very glad that you pointed them out. Constructive criticism or nor, I am not discouraged, I am merely glad that this particular piece gets better, and that someone who really knows what he's doing actually reads my humble literature.
Thank me? Not at all, thank you! I am very glad that people read and comment on this poem in particular, and to have it critiqued by you is an honour. I will try and fix the specific errors and I hope the errors will be fewer; eventually none.